" April Fools’ Day is awful. Please stand with John Oliver and take the Last Week Tonight No-Prank Pledge."
Showing posts with label April Fools. Show all posts
Showing posts with label April Fools. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Fulop Announces Campaign For NJ Governor
For Immediate Release:
Wednesday, April 1st, 2015
Jersey City, NJ/ Wall Street, NY) – Today, Mayor Steve Fulop proudly announced his candidacy for New Jersey Governor. Running on the Republican line, Fulop has already started lining up key supporters and staff.
“Everyone knows Jersey City has always been just a stepping stone for me,” said Fulop. “I want to be governor. And the easiest path will be pursuing my ambition via the Republican Party – where so many of my financial and political allies already reside. By announcing today, I hope they’ll forgive my support for the DREAM Act and Paid Sick Leave, and instead remember how - from education reform to privatization efforts - I’ve carried their water and taken their money for a long time.”
Fulop originally planned to wait until 2016 to make his official switch to the GOP. However, last night he had a dream where he was swimming across the Hudson River and Steve Sweeney and Philip Murphy were about to overcome him. Even worse, John Wisniewski, Raymond Lesniak, Marie Corfield, Joe Piscopo and NJ Weedman weren’t far behind. So, this morning, Fulop put away his blackberry, slipped into his wetsuit and made the big announcement.
“Abandoning his allies has worked out swimmingly for Fulop, so I’m going to take a page from his playbook and support Fulop for Governor,” said Joshua Henne, Fulop’s new spokesman. “The way he’s flipped back and forth so often as to what’s politically expedient, there’s a 50-50 chance Fulop would switch back to being a Democrat after 2017 anyway.”
Over the course of the next year, Fulop plans on hiring Christie’s campaign staff and apparatus. NJ Transit’s Michael Drewniak will become Fulop’s Communications Director…as soon as Christie Communications Director Maria Comella signs off. All other hires will transpire as soon as the Christie presidential campaign crashes and burns on the fields of Iowa and New Hampshire - where Christie is being outpolled by Donald Trump.
Governor James E. McGreevey, Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon and State Senator Kevin O’Toole will serve as Fulop’s Campaign Co-Chairs.
“I just want to be relevant again,” said McGreevey. ”As a Former-Governor-American, I can attest that Fulop hits the political trifecta: my non-stop work ethic, a low moral compass and even more transactional than I ever was.”
“Even though he had to google my name, Fulop has long enjoyed strong connections to Monmouth County Republicans,” said O’Scanlon “The same people down here who’ve supported me and were instrumental in Mitt Romney’s campaign have long backed Fulop - even before they were caught soliciting $10,000 a head at a fundraiser for his mayoral election in Jersey City. Hey, so long as he’s against red light cameras, Fulop’s my guy!”
“When I funneled Fulop tens of thousands of dollars for his mayoral campaign, I had to sneak it in at the last minute so voters didn’t know about it until after Election Day,” said O’Toole. “Today, New Jersey’s Republican Party is building bridges…instead of closing them. With Fulop at the top of our ticket, we’ll continue the stellar job Christie’s done for our state’s economy, transportation infrastructure and pension fund.
In July 2013, Fulop invited Christie to headline his swearing-in ceremony. Throughout that year’s gubernatorial campaign, Fulop failed to lift a finger to help Democratic nominee Barbara Buono. In fact, Fulop set up meetings between his Jersey City Council Team and Christie gubernatorial campaign operatives – as Christie aide Matt Mowers testified about during legislative Bridgegate hearings.
Fulop is currently polling whether to announce Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer as his Lieutenant Governor. These Hudson “reformers” have a shared history of playing footsie with Christie’s political operation and dangling a gubernatorial endorsement. Both went on to immediately use Bridgegate as a tool to garner national media attention.
“Um, Fulop told me he’d deny it if I ever told anyone he asked me about being Lieutenant Governor,” said Zimmer, in yet another interview with MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki. “I know this, because I wrote it in my diary.”
***********
April Fools!
Wednesday, April 1st, 2015
Jersey City, NJ/ Wall Street, NY) – Today, Mayor Steve Fulop proudly announced his candidacy for New Jersey Governor. Running on the Republican line, Fulop has already started lining up key supporters and staff.
“Everyone knows Jersey City has always been just a stepping stone for me,” said Fulop. “I want to be governor. And the easiest path will be pursuing my ambition via the Republican Party – where so many of my financial and political allies already reside. By announcing today, I hope they’ll forgive my support for the DREAM Act and Paid Sick Leave, and instead remember how - from education reform to privatization efforts - I’ve carried their water and taken their money for a long time.”
Fulop originally planned to wait until 2016 to make his official switch to the GOP. However, last night he had a dream where he was swimming across the Hudson River and Steve Sweeney and Philip Murphy were about to overcome him. Even worse, John Wisniewski, Raymond Lesniak, Marie Corfield, Joe Piscopo and NJ Weedman weren’t far behind. So, this morning, Fulop put away his blackberry, slipped into his wetsuit and made the big announcement.
“Abandoning his allies has worked out swimmingly for Fulop, so I’m going to take a page from his playbook and support Fulop for Governor,” said Joshua Henne, Fulop’s new spokesman. “The way he’s flipped back and forth so often as to what’s politically expedient, there’s a 50-50 chance Fulop would switch back to being a Democrat after 2017 anyway.”
Over the course of the next year, Fulop plans on hiring Christie’s campaign staff and apparatus. NJ Transit’s Michael Drewniak will become Fulop’s Communications Director…as soon as Christie Communications Director Maria Comella signs off. All other hires will transpire as soon as the Christie presidential campaign crashes and burns on the fields of Iowa and New Hampshire - where Christie is being outpolled by Donald Trump.
Governor James E. McGreevey, Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon and State Senator Kevin O’Toole will serve as Fulop’s Campaign Co-Chairs.
“I just want to be relevant again,” said McGreevey. ”As a Former-Governor-American, I can attest that Fulop hits the political trifecta: my non-stop work ethic, a low moral compass and even more transactional than I ever was.”
“Even though he had to google my name, Fulop has long enjoyed strong connections to Monmouth County Republicans,” said O’Scanlon “The same people down here who’ve supported me and were instrumental in Mitt Romney’s campaign have long backed Fulop - even before they were caught soliciting $10,000 a head at a fundraiser for his mayoral election in Jersey City. Hey, so long as he’s against red light cameras, Fulop’s my guy!”
“When I funneled Fulop tens of thousands of dollars for his mayoral campaign, I had to sneak it in at the last minute so voters didn’t know about it until after Election Day,” said O’Toole. “Today, New Jersey’s Republican Party is building bridges…instead of closing them. With Fulop at the top of our ticket, we’ll continue the stellar job Christie’s done for our state’s economy, transportation infrastructure and pension fund.
In July 2013, Fulop invited Christie to headline his swearing-in ceremony. Throughout that year’s gubernatorial campaign, Fulop failed to lift a finger to help Democratic nominee Barbara Buono. In fact, Fulop set up meetings between his Jersey City Council Team and Christie gubernatorial campaign operatives – as Christie aide Matt Mowers testified about during legislative Bridgegate hearings.
Fulop is currently polling whether to announce Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer as his Lieutenant Governor. These Hudson “reformers” have a shared history of playing footsie with Christie’s political operation and dangling a gubernatorial endorsement. Both went on to immediately use Bridgegate as a tool to garner national media attention.
“Um, Fulop told me he’d deny it if I ever told anyone he asked me about being Lieutenant Governor,” said Zimmer, in yet another interview with MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki. “I know this, because I wrote it in my diary.”
***********
April Fools!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Christie Holds Town Hall Today In Fort Lee
For Immediate Release:
Tuesday, April 1st, 2014
(Fort Lee, NJ) – Today, Governor Chris Christie will hold his 117th Town Hall meeting in Fort Lee.
“Just like every other town hall we’ve held this year, Fort Lee is a municipality I carried last November,” said Christie. “I look forward to meeting with local residents and answering what’s on their mind. Frankly, folks don't care about unimportant things like closing access lanes to the George Washington Bridge. If for some reason they do care, they can just read the completely comprehensive, impartial, thorough report on the matter released last week.” “……,” said Michael Drewniak, Christie Spokesman. “……..”
“In light of spokesman Mike Drewniak barely speaking to the press for the past 85 days, today I am proud to join Governor Christie’s circle of trust,” said Joshua Henne, Christie’s new spokesman. “The governor and I both love Bruce Springsteen and the Mets. For those reasons, it’s an honor to work the cones alongside Governor Christie today in Fort Lee.”
As always, today’s town hall will have several ground rules. However, based on recent disruptions of attendees attempting to ask difficult questions, a few more regulations have been added. For example, there will be no questions allowed about anything that starts with the letter “S”. This includes – but is not limited to – the following terms: “Subpoenas”, “Samson”, “Stepien”, “Scandal”, “Sokolich” and “Serbian”.
Exceptions will be made to the rule when it comes to “Superstorm Sandy” – however it will only be allowed if the question is about Christie’s fleece or to simply make an obsequious statement of support for the governor. You will be cut off or ignored if you ask about funneling Sandy funds to towns not hit by the hurricane, how the Economic Development Authority has failed to get grants to affected small businesses, or how relief dollars were used for a “Stronger Than The Storm” commercial showcasing Christie and his smiling family in an election year.
Please arrive very, very, very, very early - as traffic has been known to build up at the nearby George Washington Bridge during rush hour. Because this is the first Town Hall not held in a municipality with a mayor or other elected officials friendly with the governor, those attendees endorsing Christie will be given preferential seating, as well as the potential to have access to Sandy rebuilding funds.
Special to today’s town hall will be a specific lane dedicated for the “children of Buono voters.” And if anyone has questions about why that is, and why it takes so long to drive through the town, police officers have been told to direct questions to Mayor Mark Sokolich. If you are a reporter, don’t even try to ask a question during or after the event. Members of the media will have to wait another 80 days for the next opportunity to be berated by Governor Christie when he holds his next Friday 3 pm press conference.
Attendees are encouraged to ask what David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon are like in person. Sports are a good topic, too. For example, feel free to ask Christie who he thinks the Dallas Cowboys should draft next month. However, please do not ask questions about how quiet Christie was during the Super Bowl following the release of David Wildstein’s letter alluding to evidence existing on bridgegate. Along those same lines, please refrain from asking about how the Christie Administration bungled the NJTransit system going to-and-from the SuperBowl even though they had years to plan for the event.
Participants are encouraged to snap a “selfie” with the Governor. Especially if they have adorable children in tow and tell Christie how great he is. However, any signs calling on Christie to resign, asking how an investigation on bridgegate can be considered “thorough” without interviewing the five key members of his administration - or expressing any First Amendment rights at all for that matter – will be immediately confiscated.
For commentary following today’s town hall, you can catch both Assemblyman John Wisniewski and Senator Loretta Weinberg on MSNBC this evening at 5 pm, 5:20 pm, 5:45 pm, 6 pm, 6:25 pm, 6:50 pm, 7:15 pm, 7:30 pm, 8 pm, 8:20 pm, 8:45 pm, 9 pm, 9:15 pm, 9:30 pm, 9:45 pm, 10:10 pm, 10:30 pm and 10:50 pm.
Tuesday, April 1st, 2014
(Fort Lee, NJ) – Today, Governor Chris Christie will hold his 117th Town Hall meeting in Fort Lee.
“Just like every other town hall we’ve held this year, Fort Lee is a municipality I carried last November,” said Christie. “I look forward to meeting with local residents and answering what’s on their mind. Frankly, folks don't care about unimportant things like closing access lanes to the George Washington Bridge. If for some reason they do care, they can just read the completely comprehensive, impartial, thorough report on the matter released last week.” “……,” said Michael Drewniak, Christie Spokesman. “……..”
“In light of spokesman Mike Drewniak barely speaking to the press for the past 85 days, today I am proud to join Governor Christie’s circle of trust,” said Joshua Henne, Christie’s new spokesman. “The governor and I both love Bruce Springsteen and the Mets. For those reasons, it’s an honor to work the cones alongside Governor Christie today in Fort Lee.”
As always, today’s town hall will have several ground rules. However, based on recent disruptions of attendees attempting to ask difficult questions, a few more regulations have been added. For example, there will be no questions allowed about anything that starts with the letter “S”. This includes – but is not limited to – the following terms: “Subpoenas”, “Samson”, “Stepien”, “Scandal”, “Sokolich” and “Serbian”.
Exceptions will be made to the rule when it comes to “Superstorm Sandy” – however it will only be allowed if the question is about Christie’s fleece or to simply make an obsequious statement of support for the governor. You will be cut off or ignored if you ask about funneling Sandy funds to towns not hit by the hurricane, how the Economic Development Authority has failed to get grants to affected small businesses, or how relief dollars were used for a “Stronger Than The Storm” commercial showcasing Christie and his smiling family in an election year.
Please arrive very, very, very, very early - as traffic has been known to build up at the nearby George Washington Bridge during rush hour. Because this is the first Town Hall not held in a municipality with a mayor or other elected officials friendly with the governor, those attendees endorsing Christie will be given preferential seating, as well as the potential to have access to Sandy rebuilding funds.
Special to today’s town hall will be a specific lane dedicated for the “children of Buono voters.” And if anyone has questions about why that is, and why it takes so long to drive through the town, police officers have been told to direct questions to Mayor Mark Sokolich. If you are a reporter, don’t even try to ask a question during or after the event. Members of the media will have to wait another 80 days for the next opportunity to be berated by Governor Christie when he holds his next Friday 3 pm press conference.
Attendees are encouraged to ask what David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon are like in person. Sports are a good topic, too. For example, feel free to ask Christie who he thinks the Dallas Cowboys should draft next month. However, please do not ask questions about how quiet Christie was during the Super Bowl following the release of David Wildstein’s letter alluding to evidence existing on bridgegate. Along those same lines, please refrain from asking about how the Christie Administration bungled the NJTransit system going to-and-from the SuperBowl even though they had years to plan for the event.
Participants are encouraged to snap a “selfie” with the Governor. Especially if they have adorable children in tow and tell Christie how great he is. However, any signs calling on Christie to resign, asking how an investigation on bridgegate can be considered “thorough” without interviewing the five key members of his administration - or expressing any First Amendment rights at all for that matter – will be immediately confiscated.
For commentary following today’s town hall, you can catch both Assemblyman John Wisniewski and Senator Loretta Weinberg on MSNBC this evening at 5 pm, 5:20 pm, 5:45 pm, 6 pm, 6:25 pm, 6:50 pm, 7:15 pm, 7:30 pm, 8 pm, 8:20 pm, 8:45 pm, 9 pm, 9:15 pm, 9:30 pm, 9:45 pm, 10:10 pm, 10:30 pm and 10:50 pm.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Today's April Fool's Day Video: Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes
On Charlie Sheen's new cooking show; Winning Recipes, Charlie shows you how to cook using all of the power of a warlock.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Now That The Basement Is Dry...
It's been a day and a half now since the rain has stopped, the sun is out and it's warming up and the water has finally stopped seeping into my basement. I've spent the better part of the last two day trying to clean up the mess. It's really set me back.
So now that the basement is somewhat dry (I wish I had before and after pictures) It's time to get back to some blogging.
I have a few things that I am currently working on so when I finish them up I'll be posting them shortly, until then here's a little April Fools joke to keep you happy:
Purchasing a new bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
So now that the basement is somewhat dry (I wish I had before and after pictures) It's time to get back to some blogging.
I have a few things that I am currently working on so when I finish them up I'll be posting them shortly, until then here's a little April Fools joke to keep you happy:
Purchasing a new bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
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