Christie Holds Town Hall Today In Fort Lee

For Immediate Release:
Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

(Fort Lee, NJ) – Today, Governor Chris Christie will hold his 117th Town Hall meeting in Fort Lee.
“Just like every other town hall we’ve held this year, Fort Lee is a municipality I carried last November,” said Christie. “I look forward to meeting with local residents and answering what’s on their mind. Frankly, folks don't care about unimportant things like closing access lanes to the George Washington Bridge. If for some reason they do care, they can just read the completely comprehensive, impartial, thorough report on the matter released last week.” “……,” said Michael Drewniak, Christie Spokesman. “……..”

“In light of spokesman Mike Drewniak barely speaking to the press for the past 85 days, today I am proud to join Governor Christie’s circle of trust,” said Joshua Henne, Christie’s new spokesman. “The governor and I both love Bruce Springsteen and the Mets. For those reasons, it’s an honor to work the cones alongside Governor Christie today in Fort Lee.”

As always, today’s town hall will have several ground rules. However, based on recent disruptions of attendees attempting to ask difficult questions, a few more regulations have been added. For example, there will be no questions allowed about anything that starts with the letter “S”. This includes – but is not limited to – the following terms: “Subpoenas”, “Samson”, “Stepien”, “Scandal”, “Sokolich” and “Serbian”.

Exceptions will be made to the rule when it comes to “Superstorm Sandy” – however it will only be allowed if the question is about Christie’s fleece or to simply make an obsequious statement of support for the governor. You will be cut off or ignored if you ask about funneling Sandy funds to towns not hit by the hurricane, how the Economic Development Authority has failed to get grants to affected small businesses, or how relief dollars were used for a “Stronger Than The Storm” commercial showcasing Christie and his smiling family in an election year.

Please arrive very, very, very, very early - as traffic has been known to build up at the nearby George Washington Bridge during rush hour. Because this is the first Town Hall not held in a municipality with a mayor or other elected officials friendly with the governor, those attendees endorsing Christie will be given preferential seating, as well as the potential to have access to Sandy rebuilding funds.

Special to today’s town hall will be a specific lane dedicated for the “children of Buono voters.” And if anyone has questions about why that is, and why it takes so long to drive through the town, police officers have been told to direct questions to Mayor Mark Sokolich. If you are a reporter, don’t even try to ask a question during or after the event. Members of the media will have to wait another 80 days for the next opportunity to be berated by Governor Christie when he holds his next Friday 3 pm press conference.

Attendees are encouraged to ask what David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon are like in person. Sports are a good topic, too. For example, feel free to ask Christie who he thinks the Dallas Cowboys should draft next month. However, please do not ask questions about how quiet Christie was during the Super Bowl following the release of David Wildstein’s letter alluding to evidence existing on bridgegate. Along those same lines, please refrain from asking about how the Christie Administration bungled the NJTransit system going to-and-from the SuperBowl even though they had years to plan for the event.

Participants are encouraged to snap a “selfie” with the Governor. Especially if they have adorable children in tow and tell Christie how great he is. However, any signs calling on Christie to resign, asking how an investigation on bridgegate can be considered “thorough” without interviewing the five key members of his administration - or expressing any First Amendment rights at all for that matter – will be immediately confiscated.

For commentary following today’s town hall, you can catch both Assemblyman John Wisniewski and Senator Loretta Weinberg on MSNBC this evening at 5 pm, 5:20 pm, 5:45 pm, 6 pm, 6:25 pm, 6:50 pm, 7:15 pm, 7:30 pm, 8 pm, 8:20 pm, 8:45 pm, 9 pm, 9:15 pm, 9:30 pm, 9:45 pm, 10:10 pm, 10:30 pm and 10:50 pm.