From the Religious Right's Bible

(I couldn't resist posting this - Thanks goes to Veracity Stew)

This passage, of course, is commonly referred to as "The Beatassitudes," from the Sermon on the Amount:

"Blessed are the wealthy, for they are not poor.

Blessed are those who cause mourning, for the other guy had it coming.

Blessed are the powerful, for they have invested the earth in a tax sheltered annuity with a 15% rate of return subsidized by the suckers who actually work for a living.

Blessed are the hypocrites, for self-righteousness trumps actual righteousness any day of the week. 

Blessed are the merciless, for there is nothing unconstitutional about killing the innocent, particularly if he is armed with Skittles and iced tea.

Blessed are the whoremongers in diapers, for they shall be spanked in a wide stance.

Blessed are the warmakers, for they kill for the glory of God and America-fuck-yeah.

Blessed are the persecutors, for justice is overrated.

Blessed are the stealers of tampons, for they are deadly weapons.

Rejoice and be glad because civility and decency are for suckers, for he who pretends to be without sin must kick the first ass."